I hate feeling empty...
the feeling that I'm nonexistent
the feeling that I'm unimportant
the feeling that I'm a burden
the feeling that I'm a living dead..
this sucks.
I suck.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
Miss Understood
It's just so hard...
I always ask myself why am i like this... I have been trying to change this for a long time. I don't know why I have a lot of mood swings but it really pisses me off and it sucks.
There will be times that I'll be happy and laughing out loud like I have been told the funniest joke in the world like there's no tomorrow.
There will be times that I'll be so down like a hopeless individual that can never be cured.
There will be times that I feel that I'm being so left alone. I don't talk to anyone and I don't care if anyone is pissed off of me... Just be pissed. Who the hell are you.
There will be times that I will feel passionate for any random people and I will give everything just to please them...
It's just so abnormal and I don't want to be like this. I like the fact that there are times that it is the better me but most of the time, I'm the antagonist in my story.
My relationship with other people actually change. I don't talk much at home, sometimes, I don't talk at all. I'm not really close to anyone of them and when they start a conversation and I speak - expect a fight. It's much better to keep quiet actually.
My approach to my friends change as well. I ask them if I was really moody and I know what the answer will be. I really try to change but I can't understand why I feel so irritated when somebody asks me and ruin my scene. Oh God. This actually sucks. Right now, I don't actually know what to feel.
And one of the most painful part about this damn attitude is my affection to someone. Today I love him but for the next days, I won't love him anymore. And that's a total bummer. I'm afraid to love someone anymore for it will only lead to heartache, heartache and heartache. Period.
I always ask myself why am i like this... I have been trying to change this for a long time. I don't know why I have a lot of mood swings but it really pisses me off and it sucks.
There will be times that I'll be happy and laughing out loud like I have been told the funniest joke in the world like there's no tomorrow.
There will be times that I'll be so down like a hopeless individual that can never be cured.
There will be times that I feel that I'm being so left alone. I don't talk to anyone and I don't care if anyone is pissed off of me... Just be pissed. Who the hell are you.
There will be times that I will feel passionate for any random people and I will give everything just to please them...
It's just so abnormal and I don't want to be like this. I like the fact that there are times that it is the better me but most of the time, I'm the antagonist in my story.
My relationship with other people actually change. I don't talk much at home, sometimes, I don't talk at all. I'm not really close to anyone of them and when they start a conversation and I speak - expect a fight. It's much better to keep quiet actually.
My approach to my friends change as well. I ask them if I was really moody and I know what the answer will be. I really try to change but I can't understand why I feel so irritated when somebody asks me and ruin my scene. Oh God. This actually sucks. Right now, I don't actually know what to feel.
And one of the most painful part about this damn attitude is my affection to someone. Today I love him but for the next days, I won't love him anymore. And that's a total bummer. I'm afraid to love someone anymore for it will only lead to heartache, heartache and heartache. Period.
I don't want to love somebody cause it will be the same old story. We'll only hurt each other. I really don't want to love anymore then wake up one day and the feeling is gone.
Why am I like this? I still don't know the answer.. =(
Why am I like this? I still don't know the answer.. =(
Gawd. Erase the emoness. I will change. I will. I swear
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
My Schedule today for the next six days
I don't know if I should be happy or not... I'll let you decide
Wednesday (Nov.25, 2009) - Film viewing all throughout in the afternoon (I love this actually).. harvest
Thursday (Nov.26, 2009) - Red Letter Day (thud thug. thug thug) and half-day (gala time!).harvest
Friday (Nov.27, 2009) - The usual non-class day (most of the time favorable and sometimes not) and solicitation (I agree with this one). Tentatively, viewing of "Paranormal Activity" (I can't hide my excitement!)
Saturday (Nov.28, 2009) - errm.. full time harvest day (quite interesting. I'll be able to catch up with those who degrade my level before).. bwahahaha
Sunday (Nov.29, 2009) - His day. I hope I can go to church (looking forward too) harvest day again
Monday (Nov.30, 2009) - Bonifacio Day.. meaning.... stuck up at home. (booring......) harvest time
Tuesday (Dec. 1, 2009) - waah... I can feel intense Christmas air!!! doing of assignments and projects (brrrrrr...) harvest day... cleaning day. In short, cramming time!
- I really feel less energetic these past few days. I don't know why... -
Wednesday (Nov.25, 2009) - Film viewing all throughout in the afternoon (I love this actually).. harvest
Thursday (Nov.26, 2009) - Red Letter Day (thud thug. thug thug) and half-day (gala time!).harvest
Friday (Nov.27, 2009) - The usual non-class day (most of the time favorable and sometimes not) and solicitation (I agree with this one). Tentatively, viewing of "Paranormal Activity" (I can't hide my excitement!)
Saturday (Nov.28, 2009) - errm.. full time harvest day (quite interesting. I'll be able to catch up with those who degrade my level before).. bwahahaha
Sunday (Nov.29, 2009) - His day. I hope I can go to church (looking forward too) harvest day again
Monday (Nov.30, 2009) - Bonifacio Day.. meaning.... stuck up at home. (booring......) harvest time
Tuesday (Dec. 1, 2009) - waah... I can feel intense Christmas air!!! doing of assignments and projects (brrrrrr...) harvest day... cleaning day. In short, cramming time!
- I really feel less energetic these past few days. I don't know why... -
La Vita è Bella
We had a film showing today and I was really enthusiastic to share about the movie that moved our hearts out and triggered the tears to fall down (including the males)
The movie was entitled "Life is Beautiful" or "La Vita è Bella" in Italian.
"Beautiful" in the movie is ironically shown for instead of a peaceful and joyful life lived by the main character (played by Robert Benigni), it turned out to be the opposite. It is beautiful in a sense that life is exemplified as an interchanging condition wherein a certain person won't live his life merrily all throughout or miserably in his lifetime. The way the person will live his life beautifully, depends on his own hands.
The main character, Guido Orefice, is one heck of a hero. One of my favorite part in the movie is when he was still courting Dora (Nicoletta Braschi) with his notable greeting of "Buon giorno Principessa!"(Good day, Princess!) that serves as a enchanting phrase to his leading lady (as well as to us, viewers). I was impressed for he is always able to find a way to change the track of events with his slapstick humor, audacious improvisation, and outrageous sight gags. Imagine him as a low class man in that time courting an engaged elite woman and more astonishing when he made her his wife.
The big turn of events in their life as a family is when Guido and their son with their uncle was deported to a concentration camp. I honor Dora for ignoring her pride as an Italian by riding the train to the camp disregarding the sufferings she have to endure for her family. I also honor Guido for patiently fulfilling the innocence of his child and showing his never ending fraternal love. He always tell to his child that the camp is just a game to set aside his son's fears.
Guido has done the best of everything he had to fulfill his duty as father even sacrificing his own life. I could not imagine any other person who can do such a deed. I asked myself, "What would I do if I were in his place?" I'll be the total opposite as a matter of fact. I could not tell any silly jokes to my own son when I know a great peril is fast approaching. I could not race my hand to volunteer in translating the rules, facing the ruthless officers just to relieve the fear of my son. I might have just got a rifle from the soldiers and killed myself in that situation. He was really praiseworthy and incomparable. I really cried my heart out when he was killed. In a split second, he's dead. I could not even believe it.
The character of Guido should serve as an inspiration not just only to fathers but to all. To be able to suppress the misery to yourself and be able to turn it as a ray of hope for the others who need it is a very notable deed. It is selflessness. Undoubtedly praiseworthy.
In the first part of the movie, life is compared to a fable, full of sorrow but still a joyride of happiness and beauty. Life is a fable of love and sacrifice where each one of us is the main character of our own story. Life will never be fair nor unfair. It is inevitable but being able to transform it into a beautiful landscape is the primary challenge of our reality.
Nevertheless, the movie was not about the reality of either courtship or death camps. It is a metaphor about the lengths to which a man will go for those he loves, a contemplation on the beauty of life even when tragically restricted or cut short.
- To disclose, I would like to share my favorite riddle in the movie. Pardon me if I haven't quoted it correctly but the thought is more or less the same.
The movie was entitled "Life is Beautiful" or "La Vita è Bella" in Italian.
"Beautiful" in the movie is ironically shown for instead of a peaceful and joyful life lived by the main character (played by Robert Benigni), it turned out to be the opposite. It is beautiful in a sense that life is exemplified as an interchanging condition wherein a certain person won't live his life merrily all throughout or miserably in his lifetime. The way the person will live his life beautifully, depends on his own hands.
The main character, Guido Orefice, is one heck of a hero. One of my favorite part in the movie is when he was still courting Dora (Nicoletta Braschi) with his notable greeting of "Buon giorno Principessa!"(Good day, Princess!) that serves as a enchanting phrase to his leading lady (as well as to us, viewers). I was impressed for he is always able to find a way to change the track of events with his slapstick humor, audacious improvisation, and outrageous sight gags. Imagine him as a low class man in that time courting an engaged elite woman and more astonishing when he made her his wife.
The big turn of events in their life as a family is when Guido and their son with their uncle was deported to a concentration camp. I honor Dora for ignoring her pride as an Italian by riding the train to the camp disregarding the sufferings she have to endure for her family. I also honor Guido for patiently fulfilling the innocence of his child and showing his never ending fraternal love. He always tell to his child that the camp is just a game to set aside his son's fears.
Guido has done the best of everything he had to fulfill his duty as father even sacrificing his own life. I could not imagine any other person who can do such a deed. I asked myself, "What would I do if I were in his place?" I'll be the total opposite as a matter of fact. I could not tell any silly jokes to my own son when I know a great peril is fast approaching. I could not race my hand to volunteer in translating the rules, facing the ruthless officers just to relieve the fear of my son. I might have just got a rifle from the soldiers and killed myself in that situation. He was really praiseworthy and incomparable. I really cried my heart out when he was killed. In a split second, he's dead. I could not even believe it.
The character of Guido should serve as an inspiration not just only to fathers but to all. To be able to suppress the misery to yourself and be able to turn it as a ray of hope for the others who need it is a very notable deed. It is selflessness. Undoubtedly praiseworthy.
In the first part of the movie, life is compared to a fable, full of sorrow but still a joyride of happiness and beauty. Life is a fable of love and sacrifice where each one of us is the main character of our own story. Life will never be fair nor unfair. It is inevitable but being able to transform it into a beautiful landscape is the primary challenge of our reality.
Nevertheless, the movie was not about the reality of either courtship or death camps. It is a metaphor about the lengths to which a man will go for those he loves, a contemplation on the beauty of life even when tragically restricted or cut short.
- To disclose, I would like to share my favorite riddle in the movie. Pardon me if I haven't quoted it correctly but the thought is more or less the same.
"When you know and call my name, I'm not there anymore. Who am I?" and the answer?
SILENCE
We should all consider ourselves as the son of Guido who is proudly teaching us the lesson of love, sacrifice and selflessness. This movie deserves more than a round of applause or standing ovation. It is rightful of deep appreciation and a treasured place in one's heart where its worth will never wither nor die.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
The birthday... The humiliation... and the laughtrip...xp
BIRTHDAY!!!
The highlights: The most wonderful Dad's birthday in the whole wide universe! That's my dad!
---you've read it right... today... Nov. 18, '09 is my Papa's birthday...I really don't know what to give him because I still fear that he might not appreciate it.. (because he is meticulous in some things)
.. so I ended up giving him a cake and a "secret something" instead that he really appreciated.. (yes!) and my sister told me that she bought a tumbler from SB.
after I got home from school, we ate at our house and took some pictures. See below for facts about the cake I gave. :D
HUMILIATION..oh no!
Note: Please!!!! Respect me after this...
The highlights: The unwanted uncovering and the accidental trip off.
(minor first)
Continuation of the "cake thing"...
So I was at the computer laboratory doing my project when suddenly someone hugged me at the back and wail there. At first, I did not recognize her then I realized, it was Cha. I wondered why she was crying. I thought that maybe her files were deleted or she forgot something that she need to tell me immediately. But then, she confessed that the cake was "devastated" (haha.. sorry for the word Cha. Okay, let's use a lighter term.) "slightly devastated" (HAHA)... It took me a second to realize what cake it was! But then, it also took me a second to react. Of course I am very.............................
sorry for her (haha. I never get angry as you may expect otherwise) because I know she will surely blame herself even if she didn't mean to do it. And as well sad since I wanted the gift to be special. But of course, I will choose my friend over the cake. It's just a cake and I know, Cha will surely pay for it some other time.. Haha.. kidding! Then I was really sad when she cried but I know she'll get over it. What happened next I presented the "devastated" rather, "slightly devastated" cake to my father with the reason that I accidentally put my things over it. (yey!) he was not angry instead, he thanked me. And that's the most wonderful word I have ever heard. Cha, apir!
(the major one)
Wednesday morning and I was studying in Filipino when I saw Chiqui holding a chinese garter (made of rubber bands.. haha). I got excited of course since I missed playing it. Then I asked Chiqui to play. But since it was played by atleast three, we didn't continue it. I was just playing around when I finally jumped over the bands when suddenly, (imagine this in slow mo even though I can't imagine it and I don't want to imagine it!!!)
my standing leg was off-balanced, I slided to the left, I was wearing a skirt, the skirt was pulled upwards, I landed to the ground with that form.
Oh my my my my! 're you still with me? Be my guess in imagining!
and the hardest part is that.. is that... IS THAT... I was in front of half of the class... and the hardest of the hardest part is that, I am facing the male students of the class... bury me now!!! BURY ME!!!
I really didn't know what to say and what face must I show to my classmates. That is one heck of an embarrassment. Never to be forgotten. I would even want to trade faces with Grendel just to be able to face them. So my advice, never play chinese garter. never!
and the hardest part is that.. is that... IS THAT... I was in front of half of the class... and the hardest of the hardest part is that, I am facing the male students of the class... bury me now!!! BURY ME!!!
I really didn't know what to say and what face must I show to my classmates. That is one heck of an embarrassment. Never to be forgotten. I would even want to trade faces with Grendel just to be able to face them. So my advice, never play chinese garter. never!
LAUGH TRIP!
At the end of the day, it will always turn out well.
The last part is our presentation in our Music/Health class... haha...
It was our turn to perform and I really love it cause we all enjoyed it. Especially the errors.. haha... I love watching the other groups especially Boa's. "Nodding my head like yeah... Moving my hips like yeah(plus swaying of hips)" That fun overpowered the unforgettable humiliation in my life..
And again... HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DAD!!! YOU'RE THE BEST. WE LOVE YOU!
The last part is our presentation in our Music/Health class... haha...
It was our turn to perform and I really love it cause we all enjoyed it. Especially the errors.. haha... I love watching the other groups especially Boa's. "Nodding my head like yeah... Moving my hips like yeah(plus swaying of hips)" That fun overpowered the unforgettable humiliation in my life..
And again... HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DAD!!! YOU'RE THE BEST. WE LOVE YOU!